To Have and to Hold

Ahhh marriage. Let me preface this by saying, this is NOT a sappy love story! This is a chaotic story that has turned out well so far 😊.

I never thought I would get married. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't really see successful examples of it growing up, and in some ways I didn't want to do it unless I could guarantee a certain outcome. My friends and family know that I agonize over making decisions because I am a perfectionist through and through (some insight I didn't have a few years ago but you know, that whole age-wisdom-therapy thing). I'll be honest, when I said "I do" it wasn't this beautiful "I've waited my whole life for you and can't wait to spend the rest of it with you" moment that you see on TV. It was more like "I don't know if this will work but we'll see". 

I was 7 months postpartum and most parents can attest to the beautiful bond a baby initially brings followed by the chaos of sleep deprivation, the mental load, and the disconnect you inevitably feel with your partner as the months creep along. I've learned that it's completely normal but no one talks about it. I also got pregnant during a global pandemic and suffered from perinatal and postpartum anxiety - another topic RARELY discussed as most clinicians focus on the depression aspect more than anxiety. It was a tough time because not only was I unaware of what was happening to me (I was diagnosed about one year postpartum) my partner had always viewed me as a pillar of strength and this version of me was inconsistent with the person he asked to marry him and chose to have a baby with. 

In some ways it was difficult for him to empathize with me because when I did show emotion it would manifest in the form of anger instead of vulnerability. The truth is, I didn't like this version of me either, and feeling ALL the feels made me angrier. We are (generally) two extremes of one another; he leads with his emotions and I'm a stoic. This was new territory; now there were two emotionally distressed people in the relationship, one leading with anger, one with impulsivity, and a baby crying in the background for good measure.  We were not in the peak of our relationship when we got married. We knew we loved one another and we loved our son, but at that time we didn't like one another. I'm not sure why we didn't postpone our wedding; perhaps it was love, perhaps we weren't ready to let go, or perhaps we didn't want to break our family up. 

About a year and a half later, right around the time our son turned two, the fog began to lift. I'd been seeking a deeper relationship with God during our turmoil. I grew up going to church and was actually baptized around my 19th birthday, but a couple years later I stopped going to church completely. Despite this, I always believed in God and often used the Book of Proverbs as my moral compass. My decision to return to my roots put us on a life altering path. My husband also began to focus on his spirituality and attending church services with me. It changed our marriage tremendously. It's almost one year since he was baptized. Making God the center of our marriage allowed us to see that our extreme versions needed one another, and appreciating those extremes has allowed us to grow individually and together. We're also grateful to have an amazing church community around us to help with the natural ebbs and flows that marriage brings. When I think of our journey, I'm happy that we didn't give up during that new parent fog, and my hope is that someone reading this will also be encouraged to stay the course. It gets better, I promise 💗