Writer's block- Unblocked

Toward the end of 2017 a friend asked me what I was most afraid of. I told him I was afraid of nothing changing. It was a strange statement to make since 2017 had brought about significant changes in my life, some planned, some unplanned. I couldn't quite explain what I meant by this statement, I just knew that I was discontent with my life as it was, and for the first time in years I had the option to forge my path without having to factor anyone into my decision. The idea of spending another year doing the exact same thing I had done for years felt tragic. I came into 2018 determined that when the year was over, things HAD to be different. Anyone who knows me knows that once my mind is made up, I'm laser focused and relentless in pursuing my goals. 

The first part of 2018 was extremely UNCOMFORTABLE. After applying to several universities in the UK and Europe (and getting accepted), I felt certain that doing my Masters abroad was the next big step for me; the change I needed. Still, I had some loose ends I needed to tie up that were preventing me from making the move. As scholarships rolled in, I felt even more certain that I was on the right path, but as time passed those loose ends just weren't getting tied up. I was exploring option after option and nothing seemed to give. I felt stuck in a place I did not want to be. I remember sitting on my fire escape brooding as I generally do when things aren’t going the way I anticipate. I'm a planner. It’s served me well professionally, because I know how to plan and execute quite well. I also know how to evaluate a situation, anticipate potential problems and employ remedies to avoid them from ever coming to fruition. But in our personal lives, well, it doesn’t ever work so easily does it? You can plan, and plan, and plan, but there are some things you will never have control over. 

Time was running out and it seemed like life was saying no to Europe even though my heart had already said yes. I was heartbroken. I spent hours in my apartment, in silence, with a glass of wine, ignoring my friends and family and retreating into myself the way I do when I feel helpless. It was in one of those moments a small voice whispered "surrender". Ahhh yes, SURRENDER. That little lesson that has taken me many many years to master. You see, for a long time I associated surrender with giving up. It's taken me some pitfalls to learn the difference. To give up, means to throw in the towel after not getting what you want, to surrender means to let go after you've exhausted ALL your options. For me, I was there. I had exhausted every possible option that would allow me to leave for Europe in the fall. But, in that moment, I realized that I still had options, some that I hadn't even explored. After all, doing my Masters in Europe wasn't the ONLY way I could bring about change in my life. 

Let's fast forward to tonight. It’s almost 10pm, I’m in a taxi heading home from a new job that I'm absolutely loving, and I realize I am completely content with my life. So content that it's brought on the inspiration to write and reveal a little of myself in a way it has not in YEARS. I’m exhausted but grateful, not only for the change that ultimately came, but for the lesson that there is power in SURRENDER. I write this to remind myself to let go whenever I realize I am forcing myself in a direction that life is showing me I'm not meant to go. I also write this to remind myself that sometimes, the answer is not no, but not right now. Maybe Europe wasn't for me this year, but who knows, maybe someday it will be. Oh, and those loose ends I talked about, suddenly they're tying themselves up. 

~When you've done ALL you can do, surrender and watch life work its magic~